Dispatch from the Battle For Iowa

Had a break from the front lines of the Battle for Iowa, you know, what we soldiers like to call a little R&R, and I thought our readers would like to know what some more of the challenges of serving our country in our Patriotic Personel Carrier are.

First, Colonel C-Rom takes huge dumps in our RV toilet. That's ok at home, but when we are on I-80 and theirs IED's (Iowan's Electing Dad) all over the place, the last thing you want is C-Rom's ass stink clouding up the place!

Second, our fridge is small. I like Mountain Dew Code Red, Tagg likes Tab (must be the middle age woman thing), and C-rom likes Mugg Rootbeer. There simply is not enough room for all of us to have a sixer on hand at all times. Nothing worse than doing a tour in Pottawattamie, trying to spread the Daditude to all of those IED's and you come back, open the fridge and BAM! No Mountain Dew Code Red! Yesterday I settled for one of Tagg's luke warm Tab's. It totally sucked**

So anyway, I have to head back to the front. We have a stop coming up in Macedonia, which just sounds creeepy. Wish me luck! God Bless Dad and The USA!

**Received a Purple Nurple Award for suffering a PPC injury during active duty.

Four randomly chosen voters

And four kick-butt reviews! 100% of those polled think Dad will be a more awesome president than Osama Ben Clinton!


Note to the other campaigns - nobody on our staff has been caught doing the naked booby dance in a bathroom! Dad just wouldn't stand for it. He's a real leader, the kind that knows a Gay when he sees him and doesn't wait until he gets caught doing something that none of our sister-wives do.

The Fighting Foursome

Every liberal wimp with a hemp bracelet is all worked up about Dad's brave comments the other day in Iowa. Of course the media didn't really provide any context (like how the question didn't even come from a Republican!), so let me tell you what it's really all about here on the front lines, and maybe my brothers will jump in and add some detail.

We are in a war right now, a war that we can either win by electing Dad or lose by electing someone with less Daditude(TM). My brothers and I are on the leading edge of this war as we secure the perimeter of 99 Iowa counties in our Patriotic Personnel Carrier.

I drive the MittMobile, so they usually call me the General. Sometimes CRom will call me Commander Underpants or something dumb like that, but that's just his "out there" sense of humor. Gotta keep the laughs up under fire, otherwise the tension can really mess with your head.

We even use some of the same slang. The IED - that's Iowan Electing Dad to us - can be found roadside, but sometimes one will sneak up on you from behind, and you aren't ready with a lawn sign! That can be pretty stressful. Anyway, I'd like to see Hippie McNoBra come try doing this for a day, then she'd know what war is really about.

Just to clarify

When I said "intimately," I didn't mean that in a fruity way, like Ben might. Gosh, this was a tough interview, not some kind of creampuff piece. Greta is hard-hitting!



Also, dad really has a lot of faults. We touched on the energy issue before. I think this video makes it clear how human he is. Human, but so great. Pretty much perfect. Yeah, good old Dad.

Diversity is so cool

Lately I've been thinking about how one of the great things about Dad is how he appeals to everyone. Our campaign is really about the most diverse group of people I think I'll ever see. Just in the last month, we've really met a lot of awesome people who are all totally weird and different, but they still love Dad. Here's just a few of the many examples:

Here I am with a faggy fat guy (note the official "baseball blue" shirt that the Taggster got me):
I bought him a hot dog, even though he didn't need it.

Here's me with some crippled burn victims. They aren't like you and me!

We played dominoes for a while, and I pretty much kicked their crippled asses! Just like dad will do to that loser sock puppet snowman, if he shows up at our lake house.

And this picture features a real negro! Does any other campaign have one? Two words: I. Dont. think. so.
Dad and the brotherman, we can truly be a nation of rainbow jimmies. Word to your mother. CRom izzzout!

p.s. Psst to LDS readers: "negro" is a different word for "Canaanite."

Teflon Dad

The Democraps can attack my dad all they want and he doesn't even care. Actually, it shows that they are afraid. I would be too. My dad is a terrifyingly fantastic man. He is so great, if he gets the nomination and debates whatever minority yahoo the Democraps pick, it might be like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open the ark and it is so amazing and great that it burns all their skin and melts their flesh. The Nazis are the liberals and the ark is my dad. Think about it.

PS-We are ignoring Ben's paranoid, un-Romney like, rants.

Thanks a lot guys...

You know, it's hard enough to be the guy with the weird beard, but when they purposefully exclude me from family functions, it makes me wonder if I am even a Romney. Just so you know, it says we couldn't make it, but that is not true. They never told me about it.

Proof:
"Finally, since we were all together last week, we got a rare opportunity to go out to dinner together... without the kids. (Ben and his wife couldn't make it)."

Who say's conservatives can't party?

There is this lefty conspiracy out there that conservatives don't know how to party. I want to say that this is horse shit. We know how. In fact, I am already teaching my daughter how to shake what her mother gave to her. Plus, what other candidate wears wild underpants? Aside from John Edwards who wears a thong. Fucking pussy. If you want a president who can rage, vote for my dad.

We always knew he was the weak link.

Popularity Ranking of the Five Brothers:

1. Me. Natch. 525
2. Matt. You know some of these are fake. 521
3. Josh. Maybe if your picture didn't make you look like Patrick Bateman, you'd have more friends. 509.
4. C-Rom. He's just a little guy. 456.
5. Ben. Dude. Seriously. What the fuck? Pull it together and stop being SO pathetic. 296.

Of course, all of ours put together does not even touch the amazing 28,833 that Dad has. I think we need a new word to describe how popular he is.

He just doesn't stop plowing!

I know some of you have asked, when does your Dad stop plowing? The answer: never. Even when there are kids in the way. He's so decisive when he is on the tractor. It's like: look out! Here he comes! Ha! He almost plowed little Parker right under. C-rom was like, "hey, don't you think Dad should lay off the plowing? I mean he almost killed Parker" And I'm like "Fuck that, Dad looks so Presidential up there. He is in charge. If that means your drooly kid becomes compost, well that just might be what America needs". C-rom can be such a bitch.

Happy Fourth of July, America!

Het everyone, I hope you are out there loving liberty and freedom and all the other great things about America, apart from Dad. I just thought I'd take a second and try to step back from all the cool stuff Dad has been doing lately and reflect on the liberties we enjoy as Americans. For example, we can have dogs. As pets, not food (yuck!). And they can ride on the roofs of our cars, because they freaking love it up there! Who hasn't wanted to ride on the roof of a car, like Styles from Teen Wolf? I know I have. Except I wouldn't wear some garish shirt. Basic blue for me, thanks.

Also, we have the freedom to be educated on any subject we like. Like donating to Dad, for example. I have become the guru of educating people on that. Some call me Dr. DontatetoDad.com, others call me the Gangster of Love. I don't know why they call me that one. Anyway, what a great country we live in where you can go and learn why a guy who can loan himself $6.5 million also could use a couple hundred bucks from you.

America is the best! Just like a certain Dad I know...

God, I hate this picture!!!

Why do they always pick the ones where my mouth looks like a dogs asshole?
Sometimes I wonder how great this all is....I feel alone.

Wholesome family fun. Great.

This is great. Isn't it? We get to call all of the great people who like our great family sooooo much that they give us money. Feels great. Tagg and I have a contest to see who has more great friends. I am winning. Great.

Liberal Media Panties in a Bunch

Who do these guys think they are anyway? My dad says that whatever you have to do to stop the terror caused by erratic driving, you should do it! Look, I know Jay and he is a real man. He doesn't follow Big Government protocols like "legitimate law enforcement training". He just takes control! Liberals at the Globe hate strong men like him. F-U Globe! Grow a sack!

Josh

Jeez, I hope these guys don't want me to rip the sleeves on MY shirt

Just a bunch of manly men, hanging around in the hallway of an anonymous hotel, far from home. Nothing to see here, folks. I think the blue in my shirt really brings out the salt-and-pepper in your goatee, wouldn't you agree? Yeah, it's an awesome color contrast, the kind Dad really enjoys.

This article is BS

Even though I'm the youngest, everyone knows (see sweet posts below) I'm the smart one of the Romney Bunch. So this "study" seems like just another failure of "science." See other failures like: stem cells (what are they? babies, I say, right Dad? I can't really remember which one they are. Babies, or maybe families.), gays (if evolution is so great, why are there gays who want to get gay married? Hel-lo!), detainees in Guantanamo (double it says Dad, in the face of "scientists" who say we don't even have enough time to torture all the guys we've already got there).

Anyways, Dad always says that I can be whatever I want and just because I write jingles and play them on a kazoo doesn't mean I'm not as smart as Tagg, with his fancy shirts. Bite me, New York Times! CRom out!

I like a-holes, no matter how old!

The Yount Republican lunch with Sara Misselhorn, President of the Palm Beach YRs

Silly people, we already have a mom!

And she is good with horses!


But these ladies sure love my dad. I don't blame them. He has so many great dad qualities. Hard to explain, but still so much like a dad. A dad for everyone. Well, he would still really be my dad, but you could watch him on TV and say that you think of him as a dad.


Cheers!
Tagg

We are going to have a race!

I am challenging my brothers to a Romney pet dog race! My yorkie poo will win because it is so fast in a different way! Tagg's dog is slow because it has a false sense of entitlement. Watch out! Next time we will have a behavior contest!

Getting you up to speed

You've probably missed a lot of great things about Dad already, so I thought I'd give you a quick rundown on a few of the many objectively verifiable things I've said about him, all of which are true since I am an expert. A Romneytologist, if you will:

He "has a very low tolerance for those with a false sense of entitlement." That is a serious thing to have, very presidential in my opinion. Way more presidential than "he doesn't like long questions."

He "is now on the cover of Time Magazine," which is totally true. Or was when I wrote it. Most of that post was about gramps. He's dead. Which means he is pretty much still alive. I wonder if he's running a car company? I guess that one wasn't really about Dad.

Hmmm. Tagg told me I can't count the story about how I went for a run. That's sort of it, then, except for the story about how dad likes vacation but is unable to enjoy it. Mr. Handyman, that's my dad!

The smart one

That would have to be, me, the CRom. Note the deft way I make the case that Dad is just like a whole bunch of different guys, all of whom were once president:

The thing that stood out to me, which once seemed like an indescribable characteristic is actually quite simple to describe.

As it turns out, everything is pretty simple when you don't support your arguments with, um, other sentences. That's something smart guys do. They do it with their hat on backwards, mostly.

It is that my dad is presidential. Not presidential in the fact that he looks or dresses like a president, which the press loves to discuss.

Looks like a president. Indeed, he is a white man in a suit. There's just no denying it. But that's for superficial types to worry about, not philosopher-princes like me, CRom!

By presidential, I mean that he shares characteristics with the great leaders of our country like Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, and Ronald Reagan. By presidential I mean that he is the type of leader in whom I would trust our country's future.

By "presidential," I mean "has characteristics that other presidents had." By "characteristics," I mean "a belief held by me that he would be an awesome president." Between him and Lincoln, it would be a close call. But his presidential looks would probably break the tie.

It does say "Read More" after that last sentence (here), but there is no more to read. For obvious reasons. You can't make the indescribable any more describable than I just did. Well, Dad maybe could.

And that is what is great about Dad! CRom out.

I have birthday friends!

Check out my birthday friends!

Also, I never had sex with Laura.


http://www.myspace.com/benromney

This guy makes me so uncomfortable!

I mean what do I say to him? I will probably just tell him a great joke. Like "hey, what did the homo wear on the plane?........a weird hat and a beard!" My dad told me that one. "Despite our repeated comments that he has some lame jokes, I must admit that he has a very quick wit and good sense of humor."

Sports and sportswear

I love sports. Oh yeah! Sports! I used to shoot T-shirts into the crowd for the Dodgers. Or something like that. We can all agree, as Americans, that Fenway is awesome! And there is nothing like taking in a baseball game in a really uncomfortable looking blue shirt, fo shizzle.


And again, same shirt. Am I trying too hard? I swear, I really love sports! That's something Dad always emphasized. "Loving the sport," he would say, "is very manly." We need a president who will love the sport, that's why he should be president. Maybe I could get a new shirt if he wins.


Seriously, shirts do not get any bluer than this one! I am a big Red Sox fan and I'm pretty sure that light blue is one of the team colors. If it isn't, Dad will change that when he is our next AwesomePresident (that's a trademark).

Hi!!! I am Ben! I feel wild with a beard!

"It's funny, I actually get a lot of attention for it, life is different as a bearded man. I also had a lot more people call me "Doctor," because of it. Also, most people assume that I'm not a Republican, just because of the beard. I do have to admit, it's fun to add a little variety to the family."

Which makes me wonder...why am I so different? I am just as positive and excited, but I think that I may not be....I don't think I can finish this post....maybe next time, guys. I am emotional. My dad calls me a limp wristed homo humper when I get like this. He is great.

We hunt poor people!

Just back from a great hunt!! Mom chased down an illegal welfare mom and bit out her throat!! We are so tired in this picture, but so excited about my dad!!!

CRom gets dirty

This post is almost like an episode of X-Family Letters, except it's written by a Romney.

Title: "Only One Thing Can Wear My Dad Out"

heh heh heh. I bet I know what that is.

Starts off predictably, in the long expository, wholesome style that gets you set up for the big contrast:

The entire family was gathered together in New Hampshire last week to celebrate my mom's birthday. It was a great reason to see everyone, especially all of my nieces and nephews. The weather wasn't exactly cooperative (we were in the midst of a nor'easter), but we still managed to have some fun. My brother, Ben, and I played home run derby in the middle of a snow storm. I was even thinking about jumping in the lake before we arrived, but it was still covered with ice when we got there.

Then it sort rambles on about Romney fixing rain gutters and being unable to relax and enjoy downtime. He's got infinite energy! He won't take long vacations while the world falls apart! He'll use his power tools and build manly stuff like picnic tables. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

I discovered later that day that there is one thing that can wear my dad out, however. My wife, Mary, and I had a campaign event in Manchester the same night of the storm. I'll touch more on the event itself in later postings. Anyway, my mom . . .

And that's the teaser (look here to see what I mean, and scroll toward the bottom)! Read More? Of course I'll read more! What sort of naughty thing did your mom do that left everyone in a big sweaty heap by the end of the night?

Alas, it turns out that Romney's allegedly infinite energy can be exhausted by an 11 month old after a few trips around the house. Pretty weak, and definitely calls into question CRom's powers of evaluation. Grampa is old, fella.

No softballs for CRom

Question: "Does Romney campaign on Sunday?"

A question I wonder about a LOT. Not sure how Craig will handle this. Mormons are supposed to do something very Mormony on Sunday. But presidential candidates also have things to do on the Sabbath. What a conflict! Are people ready to elect someone who goes to church instead of campaigning? That sounds dorky. But dad is a big geek and he loves church! Sheeez, what a stumper. Hmmmm.

Answer (paraphrased): "Sometimes Romney goes to church on Sunday. We all try."

Craig is obviously a chip off the ol' block of perfect hair.

The Goal

To demonstrate what a bunch of dorks the Romney brothers are by mercilessly tooling on their blog. Mean-spirited, yes, but in a humorous way.

Four of us, five of them. Yeah, we're comfortable spotting them a brother.