Dispatch from the Battle For Iowa

Had a break from the front lines of the Battle for Iowa, you know, what we soldiers like to call a little R&R, and I thought our readers would like to know what some more of the challenges of serving our country in our Patriotic Personel Carrier are.

First, Colonel C-Rom takes huge dumps in our RV toilet. That's ok at home, but when we are on I-80 and theirs IED's (Iowan's Electing Dad) all over the place, the last thing you want is C-Rom's ass stink clouding up the place!

Second, our fridge is small. I like Mountain Dew Code Red, Tagg likes Tab (must be the middle age woman thing), and C-rom likes Mugg Rootbeer. There simply is not enough room for all of us to have a sixer on hand at all times. Nothing worse than doing a tour in Pottawattamie, trying to spread the Daditude to all of those IED's and you come back, open the fridge and BAM! No Mountain Dew Code Red! Yesterday I settled for one of Tagg's luke warm Tab's. It totally sucked**

So anyway, I have to head back to the front. We have a stop coming up in Macedonia, which just sounds creeepy. Wish me luck! God Bless Dad and The USA!

**Received a Purple Nurple Award for suffering a PPC injury during active duty.

Four randomly chosen voters

And four kick-butt reviews! 100% of those polled think Dad will be a more awesome president than Osama Ben Clinton!


Note to the other campaigns - nobody on our staff has been caught doing the naked booby dance in a bathroom! Dad just wouldn't stand for it. He's a real leader, the kind that knows a Gay when he sees him and doesn't wait until he gets caught doing something that none of our sister-wives do.

The Fighting Foursome

Every liberal wimp with a hemp bracelet is all worked up about Dad's brave comments the other day in Iowa. Of course the media didn't really provide any context (like how the question didn't even come from a Republican!), so let me tell you what it's really all about here on the front lines, and maybe my brothers will jump in and add some detail.

We are in a war right now, a war that we can either win by electing Dad or lose by electing someone with less Daditude(TM). My brothers and I are on the leading edge of this war as we secure the perimeter of 99 Iowa counties in our Patriotic Personnel Carrier.

I drive the MittMobile, so they usually call me the General. Sometimes CRom will call me Commander Underpants or something dumb like that, but that's just his "out there" sense of humor. Gotta keep the laughs up under fire, otherwise the tension can really mess with your head.

We even use some of the same slang. The IED - that's Iowan Electing Dad to us - can be found roadside, but sometimes one will sneak up on you from behind, and you aren't ready with a lawn sign! That can be pretty stressful. Anyway, I'd like to see Hippie McNoBra come try doing this for a day, then she'd know what war is really about.

Just to clarify

When I said "intimately," I didn't mean that in a fruity way, like Ben might. Gosh, this was a tough interview, not some kind of creampuff piece. Greta is hard-hitting!



Also, dad really has a lot of faults. We touched on the energy issue before. I think this video makes it clear how human he is. Human, but so great. Pretty much perfect. Yeah, good old Dad.

Diversity is so cool

Lately I've been thinking about how one of the great things about Dad is how he appeals to everyone. Our campaign is really about the most diverse group of people I think I'll ever see. Just in the last month, we've really met a lot of awesome people who are all totally weird and different, but they still love Dad. Here's just a few of the many examples:

Here I am with a faggy fat guy (note the official "baseball blue" shirt that the Taggster got me):
I bought him a hot dog, even though he didn't need it.

Here's me with some crippled burn victims. They aren't like you and me!

We played dominoes for a while, and I pretty much kicked their crippled asses! Just like dad will do to that loser sock puppet snowman, if he shows up at our lake house.

And this picture features a real negro! Does any other campaign have one? Two words: I. Dont. think. so.
Dad and the brotherman, we can truly be a nation of rainbow jimmies. Word to your mother. CRom izzzout!

p.s. Psst to LDS readers: "negro" is a different word for "Canaanite."

Teflon Dad

The Democraps can attack my dad all they want and he doesn't even care. Actually, it shows that they are afraid. I would be too. My dad is a terrifyingly fantastic man. He is so great, if he gets the nomination and debates whatever minority yahoo the Democraps pick, it might be like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when they open the ark and it is so amazing and great that it burns all their skin and melts their flesh. The Nazis are the liberals and the ark is my dad. Think about it.

PS-We are ignoring Ben's paranoid, un-Romney like, rants.

Thanks a lot guys...

You know, it's hard enough to be the guy with the weird beard, but when they purposefully exclude me from family functions, it makes me wonder if I am even a Romney. Just so you know, it says we couldn't make it, but that is not true. They never told me about it.

Proof:
"Finally, since we were all together last week, we got a rare opportunity to go out to dinner together... without the kids. (Ben and his wife couldn't make it)."